Okay maybe I shouldn't be blogging when I'm in an emotional slump, but hey-hey-hey that's what blogs are for.

And so my update's just this, so and so....

Why is it that when people need your help, you always seem to be there for them, but these same people are notoriously absent when you are the one in need of their support?

Crap.


Oh yeah and why is it that people just can't seem to say things outright? Why must they play mindgames with you?

Why must it always be that I am forever well, stuck?

Crap-O-la.

Always the one being pushed away...

So I'm a bit better now.

Mood swings are freaky, but Thursdays are Terrible.

Today was a relatively good day; nothing bad happened. However inspite of that, I still feel like wallowing in the depths of who knows what?

Am I losing my zeal for the job? Maybe I want to go elsewhere? Maybe I just don't like my
Thursday schedule. Heck, I don't hate it. So what's up with all this crap?

Maybe my sched isn't energy efficient, like it's not going to yield the best energy high at the end of the day.

Maybe it's just me going ker-ray-zee!!!

Crap.

Don't bother me unless you're important to me.

A non-angst update.

A friend of mine introduced me to this song from D.N.Angel called Byaakuya/True Light. He seemed to really like this song a lot and when someone really, really likes something, I usually get intrigued and try to find out for myself if I can dig it as well.

So far so good, I've been listening to it pretty much everyday, but what really hooked me on it is this beautiful piano version that really brings out the beautiful melody of the song.

Bittersweet.

Crap, now I'm intrigued with the anime. Can anyone point me to a copy of it?

The third in a series...


So why is it always my fault?


Why is it that whenever I try help someone out, I get burned?


Case in point: Someone cries or has a difficult day and I offer my shoulder to cry on. When I give my two cents or rather it's my turn to share how I feel, suddenly I'm self-centered and that I'm imposing my feelings on him/her or that I'm making the situation more complicated.

This usually happens between a very close friend and me. I'm screwed for giving a frank, objective opinion.

It's just very frustrating to go out on a limb for a friend and losing sleep for him/her, only to have the tables turned. These people would rather talk than listen. I spend a better part of my day listening to these people and when it's my turn, they immediately reject anything that's not flattering to them or something that's not about them.

Human nature I suppose. These emotionally battered individuals must have their own little people to assault.

But freaking heck, I'm the victim and it's still my fault.

Some songs will never fade for a person. This is one such song that I have been listening to for years without fail.

I think I've blogged about this song before and I'm pretty sure I'll blog about it again. If there was a song that changed my life, this is it. I've been asking so many questions as of the late and this one provides one encompassing answer.

However lately even this has me bothered and questioning it. Hence, the need to go through it again.

Each time I think about it, I always see something more in my life in it.



LOUDER THAN WORDS

Why do we play with fire?
Why do we run our finger through the flame?
Why do we leave our hand on the stove-
Although we know we're in for some pain?

It seems lately that even if I knew that failure was inevitable, I still go through with things. No matter how unwise my decisions may have been, I've been holding on to the hope that maybe things will turn out all right. Too bad it doesn't seem to be heading in that direction, oh well, life goes on. I'll still be risking it, stupid as it sounds.

Oh, why do we refuse to hang a light
When the streets are dangerous?
Why does it take an accident
Before the truth gets through to us?

I did try to say on the side of caution - ever so slowly, but groping your way through the darkness of the night has its appeal. The mystery and the uncertainty both promise reckless abandon, but soon enough the unfortunate catches up with us and we're forced to deal with the cold, hard facts.

Cages or wings?
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds.
Fear or love, baby?
Don't say the answer
Actions speak louder than words.

In the face of adversity, I usually choose to fly as high as I can, but lately, I've been fluttering about like an injured bird.

Why should we try to be our best
When we can just get by and still gain?
Why do we nod our heads
Although we know
The boss is wrong as rain?

Work is toxic lately. People have been at each other's throats. While not literally fighting, there is a definite lack of warmth in the department. We still laugh, but more often than not, one can detect an exasperated sigh.

Why should we blaze a trail
When the well worn path seems safe and
So inviting?
How-as we travel, can we
See the dismay-
And keep from fighting?

I've stopped wanting to excel at work. Not in that way, but the desire to innovate has left the building. It's safe and it's what is required of us. Blood is being sucked.

Cages or wings?
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds
Cages or wings?

Right now, the cage is feeling very, very enticing. I just want to curl up into a corner and shut myself from the rest of the world. (The irony of this of course is that I'm blogging, which is about as exposed as a regular person could get.)

Fear or love, baby?
Don't say the answer
Actions speak louder than words
Louder than, louder than

Why is it that so many people resort to empty promises? Or kind words of concern that never translate to anything substantial?

What does it take
To wake up a generation?
How can you make someone
Take off and fly?

If the generation is pretending to be asleep, then it is futile to do anything about it.

If we don't wake up
And shake up the nation
We'll eat the dust of the world
Wondering why

We are all dying a little bit. We're already wondering why things happen this way, but only a few souls like me stand after the dust has settled shaking our heads, knowing exactly why.

Why do we stay with lovers
Who we know, down deep
Just aren't right?
Why would we rather
Put ourselves through hell
Than sleep alone at night?

Are the people we're with truly who they are? Are we with them because we truly love them or just an idea they represent? Are they with us because they really want to be with us or are they just afraid to be alone?

Similarly, to those "loves" whom we have clung to but have already left us, do we truly love them? Or do we just love ourselves (or not love ourselves enough) too much that we are unable to see what they truly need and what we really need?

Why do we follow leaders who never lead?
Why does it take catastrophe to start a revolution?
If we're so free, tell me why?
Someone tell me why
So many people bleed?

Leaders. They're the biggest fools of all.

Cages or wings?
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds.
Fear or love, baby?
Don't say the answer.
Actions speak louder than words

The answer of course is love. Forget the things we've clung to in the past. Live life as it is now, as difficult or radical as it may be.

Apathy is a self-centered trait and so is fear. True love is open in both heart and mind. It pours out to the other and encourages it to flourish and grow. To remain closed is to remain fearful and unable to share yourself with another.

Sooner or later, people will leave you and you'll wonder why.

Right now, even if I know the answer, I stopped for a moment to consider what is wrong with me. What is so fundamentally flawed with my person that I cannot function?

This clip really made my day yesterday. Funny how something as simple as Sesame Street can remedy a pallid emotion.

Me happy.

Did something die here?
Dead rat is decomposing
My chest cavity

I dedicate this song to a friend who can't seem to make up his mind about things. Here's to hoping that he actually makes up his mind before he regrets it for the rest of his life.

For those who don't know the play Avenue Q, that's the one with the puppets who sing about the Internet and pornography...the anime has nothing to do with it; it's just the best I could find on YouTube.





There's a Fine, Fine Line
from Avenue Q

Kate Monster:
There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...

There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...

There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

Maybe there's too much self-loathing or bitterness (not that I think I'm really bitter) on blogs nowadays.

Sure, life sucks and all that but sometimes a spoonful of sugar is all it takes. It changes bread and water into tea and cakes...so a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, so on and so forth.

Thus I present: Five Things I'm Thankful For...

1. Friends. The real ones. Not the froo-froo ones. They stick it out with you even if you've become an unbearably depressing fool to be with. They can also kick you in the shins to wake you up and give you a warm hug at the same time. Thanks guys!

2. Music. It doesn't matter what kind of music you listen to, but I'm referring to all those songs and melodies that stir the soul within. Who cares what genre it belongs to? I'd rather go blind than to become deaf.

3. Videogames. They're there. Expensive. I don't get to play them as often anymore. Still my trusty DS lite is there to sate my ADHD gaming fix.

4. YouTube. In a world of quick entertainment, there's nothing more reassuring that there's a website out there that was a little bit of something to entertain me when my brain goes on vacation.

5. Coffee and Tea. Hmmmh. Soy Chai Latte. While I haven't really been to The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in a looong time (okay, I was there last Monday). Nothing warms the heart and soothes the soul as the spicy sweet Chai Latte. I get the soy one because I realized I'm a bit lactose intolerant. At work though, I have my bags of English Breakfast Tea and my favorte San Mig Coffee Strong sugar-free. w00t!

6. Okay, so I thought of something else...my department mates. How can I survive without these crazy guys? From random bouts of idiocy and to simple support.

7. Oh yeah, one more. w00t! w00t! pwned! These "words" just crack me up.

Yume no Naka e (Into a Dream)

What is it you're looking for?
Is it hard to find?
Even though you search
in your bag and in your desk but can't find it...

Are you still going to search for it?
Wouldn't you rather dance with me?
Don't you want to try
going into a dream, into a dream?

You don't even let yourself sleep,
and don't smile any more.
Grovelling in the dirt, grovelling in the dirt...
What in the world are you looking for?

Just when you've stopped searching,
you find what you've been looking for-it happens all the time.
Let's dance. Don't you want to try
going into a dream?

What is it you're looking for?
Are you still going to search for it?
Don't you want to try
going into a dream, into a dream?



Yume no Naka e

sagashimono wa nan desu ka
mitsukenikui mono desu ka
KABAN no naka mo tsukue no naka mo
sagashita keredo mitsukaranai no ni

mada mada sagasu ki desu ka
sore yori boku to odorimasen ka
yume no naka e yume no naka e
itte mitai to omoimasen ka

yasumu koto mo yurusarezu
warau koto wa tomerarete
haitsukubatte haitsukubatte
ittai nani wo sagashite-iru no ka

sagasu no wo yameta toki
mitsukaru koto mo yoku aru hanashi de
odorimashou yume no naka e
itte mitai to omoimasen ka

sagashimono wa nan desu ka
mada mada sagasu ki desu ka
yume no naka e yume no naka e
itte mitai to omoimasen ka

These things are fun, but unreliable.

Pop Information I call it.

One stop, instant info, just like the rest of the Internet. We've got answers for everything.

Your Career Type: Artistic

You are expressive, original, and independent. Your talents lie in your artistic abilities: creative writing, drama, crafts, music, or art. You would make an excellent: Actor - Art Teacher - Book Editor Clothes Designer - Comedian - Composer Dancer - DJ - Graphic Designer Illustrator - Musician - Sculptor The worst career options for your are conventional careers, like bank teller or secretary.

There are those times when you are just inexplicably drawn to things.

Like the proverbial moth, you are drawn to the dancing flame, full of so much promise. Fluttering about, not content with being burned once, nor twice, nor thrice, but flapping those delicately scaled wings nonetheless hoping for the hopeless cause of attaining enlightenment.

On the fourth time, you still approach it. This time with a bit more trepidation. Circling cautiously, because you've been burnt before. Your antennae twitch in anticipation- feeling for a gap in the playful licks of the fiery tongues. This blazing chacha is danced to the beat of passion's drums, back and forth and one and two.

There is nothing else in the world except the two of you, moth and flame. The suitor and the courted in flirtatious rapture enganged in nothing but themselves.

And then your burst into flames. Finally achieving that oneness that you have desired for so long. Your love's embers eating into your embroided wings, mosaic memories. Like memes barely uttered, you cry one last majestic whimper.

As I lay my Mastercard on the counter, she gave the that look. The Starbucks barista.

While nothing to write home about, her smile caught my eye.

She looked at my card.

"Wow, what a name", she remarked, "very masculine."

Heh, I muttered to myself. I love my name. One of life's true blessings.

"Enrique Jose Villar Legaspi," she read out loud.

"My, the girl can read," I thought.

"Are you the eldest?" she asked.

"Yeah," I replied.

"Thought so," she grinned. "The eldest always seem to get the more well-thought-out names."

"Thanks," I smiled back and I took my mug and went to my seat.

Too bad, she wasn't really my type. I've never been really good at this whole flirting thing. A lot of times things just seem to pass me by.

Okay, so I'm dense.

Which is weird, considering I think I'm usually perceptive, except when it comes to these sort of things. I've always been insecure about a lot of things. The way I look. My face. The way I talk and how I stand.

That's why I'm a straightforward guy. Frank to a fault.

Now as I sip my tea, I think about that someone who hasn't replied to my texts. Someone whom I care for very much, but somehow seems to find it easy to ignore me. I, myself, don't mean to ignore, but as an attempt to salvage what's left of my pride, I bite my lip and keep my hands to myself. Self-restraint. Don't let yourself be hurt.

I'm not usually sentimental or sappy, but right now by being this affected, I'm flirting with danger.

Prologue

As typhoon Milenyo (Xangsane) ripped through the metropolis, I assumed that many of my peers and students were huddled at home, while I braved nature's fury head on. No I was not in some noble rescue brigade nor was I trying to capture moments for posterity. I was just out to retrieve my van.

Flashback to early last night. People in the workroom were rejoicing at the announcement of the cancellation of classes for the following day. We were secretly praying for this more than the students and as the news broke, I pretty much galloped around the faculty workroom hooting, "w00t! w00t! w00t!" Little did I know what was in store for me in the next 24 hours.

(Read the complete novella)